Brian's Satirical Poetry

That was my Amazon pay phrase. Interesting enough, but not nearly as intriguing as:

Brian’s Satyrical Poetry

A long poem supposedly stolen by Brian (“the Clumsy”) from the courts of the Fey in his quest to woo the Lady Mercedes. According to legend, he won each stanza (in truth, each is an individual poem in its own right, each having its own character and style but linked by certain themes, word choice, and imagery) by passing a test set to him by the various members of the fey court: the fool, the minstrel, the steward, the weeping girl, the queen’s champion and then the queen herself.

Each stanza must be committed to memory. A character can memorize one stanza per point of Charisma bonus. Spellcasters (either clerics or magic-users) may memorize an additional stanza in lieu of a first-level spell.

The first stanza is a humorous bit of doggerel requiring a mere five minutes to recite. If the target of the poem fails a save vs. spells (adjusted for Wisdom) they suffer a -1 to resist any spell cast by the reciter. If the save is failed, the listener will sit eagerly for the second stanza if it’s recited within the next week.

The second stanza, a lyrical poem of true love lost, and is a half-hour long. If the target of the poem fails a save vs. spells (adjusted for Wisdom) they suffer a -1 to resist any further recitation of the Satyrical poems and must give the reciter one present or token of their affection. Failing the save also means the listener will be compelled to hear the third within the next week, after which the magic fades.

The third stanza is a riddle-poem meant to maze the mind and takes a full hour to recite. If the target of the poem fails a save vs. spells (adjusted for Intelligence this time) they suffer a -2 to resist any further spells or later poems cast or recited by the same person. They must also surrender a kiss to the reciter.

The fourth stanza is a sonnet of lost love, taking twenty minutes to recite again. If the target of the poem fails a save vs. poison (adjusted by Charisma), the target must grant the reciter one simple favor (it must be something that can be done within the space of an hour and not risk life or limb). Failing the save also means the listener will do anything that doesn’t risk life or limb to hear the fifth stanza within the next week.

The fifth stanza is an epic poem, and will require a full two hours uninterrupted to recite in full. If the listener fails a save vs. spells (adjusted for Wisdom) then they succumb to a charm spell as if cast by the reciter. The duration, effects, and limitations are just like the spell.

The sixth stanza is a blank verse profession of raw love and passion. If the listener fails a save vs. spells, then they fall madly in love with the reciter, a love that can only be broken by use of a wish or divine intervention. If they pass this saving through, but failed one of the others, they are overcome with lust for the reciter which will last until sated or the passing of a full month.

According to legend, Brian only got halfway through the poems when he found the affections of the Lady Mercedes too unpleasant to endure. But he fell for a daughter of a fisherman. On their honeymoon, he tossed the poems into the sea where they were swallowed by a fish. This fish was caught half-the-world away where it came into the possession of a starving storyteller, who bought the fish with his last coin. Finding the poems in the belly of his meal, he used them to woo a princess and became a king. His grandson lost the poems when his palace was plundered by a vengeful dragon. Where the poems went from there, none can say, but there are at least three copies of the complete poems floating around.

Art by Jacob Jordaens and Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema.